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The Trust Walk
As part healthy habits mentor, and part spiritual guide to my clients, I feel that it is important to share with you what I believe in; to disclose where I am on the very personal journey of faith.
Every day is an opportunity to measure our faith.
Some days are easier than others.
Like you, I have days when I can easily surrender, hand over every bit of my life in absolute faith that I am taken care of in every possible way. On these days I happily recite my favorite mantra I picked up from Oprah: “Everything is always working out for me.” Then I have days where the headstrong mom, trying to do it all, takes over.
The part of me that needs to have control will take back whatever she’s entrusted to faith like an impatient child. Or more accurately, like the overwhelmed mother doing what she believes has to be done in order to keep everything afloat.
You see, every day is a walk of faith whether we recognize it or not.
I’ve learned a lot during my 5 short years with awakened eyes.
A lot about emotional awareness.
A lot about what it actually means to surrender to the things that I cannot change, i.e. control.
A lot about personal boundaries as an act of self-love.
And a lot about self-compassion and empathy for others.
My mentors say that I awakened to the wisdom within me young. Younger than most anyway, at 36. But I think maybe it started back in high school...
I was lying in a sleeping bag, cuddled up, on a cold, hard floor and crying.
Only, not in the way you are thinking…these were tears of a different kind.
The kind I’d never experienced before, but would later (20 years later to be exact) get to know almost daily.
It was night 2 of my “Happening”. A retreat for youth in my Episcopal diocese.
A retreat that teaches the unconditional love of God and how that fits into your life as you navigate the challenges of adolescence.
How to find yourself as a leader.
For some of us, maybe just how to find yourself.
This is where I learned to be the hands and feet of God in our world.
And I would never be the same.
Every lesson up to this point was preparing me for this moment.
Every Sunday-school story and gospel teaching.
Every life experience. The challenge of never quite feeling like I belonged, even in a sea of friends and loved ones.
We opened bags of “Caritas”: love notes from people from Florida to California. Some near and dear to our hearts, others complete strangers. Reminding us of just how much we are loved and cared for. Welcoming us into the brother/sisterhood of universal love.
What brought me to tears that night, huddled up in my sleeping bag on the cold, hard floor was the overflow of love welling up inside of me that could no longer be contained by my physical body.
An outpouring of emotion in the most incredible way.
Earlier in the evening, after a 3rd round of Caritas, a heartwarming and solemn eucharist, and massage train (yes, a massage train), eyes closed and fully relaxed, we were led on a trust walk.
Much like our daily walk of faith, there were “uh-oh’s”, slip ups and close calls. There were times where it was hard to trust and feel satisfied in the faith that you are always taken care of. But I did.
I kept my eyes tight, and I trusted the guides around me. I trusted my peers. I trusted God to provide everything I might need, to keep me safe, and to get me to where I intended to be.
The trust walk ended in a surprise party for the group, while my night ended with my heart expanding 3 times its size, just like the Grinch (only it didn’t start out 2 sizes too small).
And I was reduced to a puddle of messy tears in my little sleeping bag, taking in the events of the day.
Not really caring if the others heard me.
To me, at that moment, it was like I was the only one in the room.
Playing on a loop in my head was the song that we sang a lot that weekend…”Holding me still. Holding me near. In his a-r-m-s of love.”
That was the moment.
The moment that changed it all for me.
The moment that God went from a temperamental father figure who would curse you if and when you didn't follow the rules to a personal teacher, friend and lover of my soul.
That’s the moment that I knew there was nothing, and I mean nothing, that I could ever do that would take that love away. The moment I understood what “unconditional” really feels like.
While I processed the day in my mind the verse played over and over. And about the time that I realized the tearful, overflowing mess that I had become the strangest, and most magical thing happened.
I don’t know if I can explain this experience in a way that does it any justice…and maybe you’ve had your own moment of recognition so you already know the feeling I speak of.
But then, on about the 3rd loop of the verse I saw the figure or light of God, in Christ form, appear beside me. And I could feel him, my teacher, my friend, literally acting out the words that were on repeat in my mind: “Holding me still. Holding me near. In his arms of love.”
And I was never the same.
This was the moment it got personal.
And there was no going back.
Out of respect for your time and attention let me fast-forward to 20 years later.
Past the trials of adolescence (that I doubt I passed very well) and the challenges of adulting that found me at my rock bottom of burnout, overwhelm and exhaustion.
I questioned my faith.
I questioned the “footprints in the sand” because it certainly didn’t feel like I was being carried or cared for at that time.
I questioned the teachings and beliefs that were entrusted to me as a child.
Sure, it’s what my parents believe. But what do I believe?
Where is God now?
If Jesus was a savior what did that really mean for me?
Here is what I now know to be true (for me)...
In order to experience a personal relationship of faith in anything, questioning your beliefs are imperative. What belongs to you vs. what you are conditioned to believe is discernment. You cannot know what you truly believe, what your answers are, until you start to question what is there.
Other people can have a different viewpoint. And that’s okay. God (the original creator) created each drop of the ocean, each speck of soil, each species and cell. And all are created differently with a unique function or purpose intentional for growth. With that theory in mind, God also created different ways for each of us to find our way to understand and relate to the one expression of love that is God the Creator. My way is my way. It does not need to be the only way. And there is no “right” way.
Jesus is my teacher. I am my own savior. Jesus came to Earth without the vail that the rest of us come with. He came knowing the truth of the Universe, the truth of God, and knowing what was waiting for him. He came to Earth during a time of dramatic turmoil, much like today, to impart the wisdom of truth onto us. And thousands of years later we are just starting to unmask the true meaning of his parables, and understand his true meaning from the stirring deep within our own intuition. He is the great Rabboni, alchemist of love, teacher of light. I learn how to see others through his influence. I learn how to have faith in manifestations that don’t yet seem possible. Like feeding 5,000 with 5 fish and 5 loaves of bread. Or believing that someone can be well, when all I can see is their illness. For me, it’s not so much about learning through gospel stories...Sure those are great, but they only tell you part of the story. I consume the lessons I seek through asking and listening for Christ Consciousness within me, my heart. This is what a personal relationship with Christ means to me.
I am my own Creator. Because I am an expression of God: I create. I am the hands and feet of God in human form, meant to experience this world for the expansion of all. And my friend, so are you. Together we bring the expression of God to life. Together we are here to create heaven on Earth.
I hope you feel safe to take my hand and trust that God has brought us together for a reason.
I hope you know that God intended on making the world a better place by putting you in it.
I hope you feel destined for creation.
I hope you feel ready to create life rather than survive it.
If that is true, then I’m your girl. I can take you on that journey.
I will walk with you.
And when you cannot go on, I will stand with you.
I will help you to embrace all of you.
I will guide you to understand the creative power and self-compassion within you.
Do you trust me?
Are you ready?
Then don't put it off, schedule your first session now and I will show you how.
If this resonated with you I'd love to know about it. Please comment below or send me an email.
If you have your own personal story to share I'd love for you to share your story in the comments so we can cheer you on.